[Asides]

[historize]

He loves them, of course, he loves all of them. And they all love him in various weird ways.

But sometimes, he can't help but say nothing at all. He just loves watching them. It's almost like watching Europeans. His States are all so different.

Indiana is traditionally, a Conservative state--he couldn't even buy alcohol on Sundays until just recently. He has an obsession with religion that borders on unhealthy and a ring of liberal college students near his southern border. He is the mix of his brothers, which makes sense, as he's in the very middle of them. Liberal but conservative, high-strung but politics is far too stressful for him. He mellowed out when he started taking medicine. Honestly, they're just sugar pills. But America doesn't tell him and Indiana believes they work. He takes two with his morning coffee.

Michigan is a hard-drinking, snowmobile riding, race-car fanatical sort of State. He's wild but mellow, daring but traditional. He's full of French and German influences. Put France and Prussia in a blender and you, somehow, get Michigan. He has beautiful little traditional towns--like the Bavarian Frankenmuth and he connects to Canada at his northern top--but then he likes to call himself The Mitten--or, as Wisconsin calls him, the "high-five" state. Michigan loves it. He keeps trying to get Indiana to go out and drink with him--because he knows that Indiana loves to drink. secretly--but the poor bastard always feel horrendously guilty afterwards and runs off to a church to pray. Poor Indiana, the crazy bastard. It's okay though, poor Indiana--he's like Michigan's Wrist. No, no, Michigan's Forearm.

Ohio has it worse than Indiana. He's a border State--ideologically, a border state, anyway--no one is ever really sure where to put him. He's a loner, in a way. Unable to fit in with the east coast but not really mellow enough for Michigan or high-strung enough for Illinois. He gets shunted back and forth between his groups of siblings. It always makes him feel a little unwanted. The jokes Wisconsin and Michigan (and sometimes Indiana) make about him being a Communist doesn't help. And Ohio is the only one of the five who isn't touching Lake Michigan. He borders Kentucky, West Virginia, and Pennsylvania. And Kentucky considers himself and his twin sister Tennessee, part of The South. West Virginia doesn't give a fuck and Pennsylvania is always too busy to be bothered.

But it's okay. Because these are the times when Ohio will go to The Big Brother, America and he'll show up quietly at his door. America will take him in. When Ohio was tiny, America would put the little thing in his lap and stroke his hair and hold him and remind him that America loved him. Now, Ohio is quite big and so they will just sit at the table and drink coffee together and then will usually move to the couch for a movie or a talk. And sometimes Ohio will still end up in America's lap.


Out of these brothers, Wisconsin probably has the most fun. He is full of cheese, beer and a lot more hanging about with Prussia. In fact, he and Prussia still do hang out occasionally--and it usually ends in bailing one or both out of jail. Wisconsin loves to party with Prussia and then go get high with Canada--either jumping across the border or just going down to the basement. Wisconsin is bold and hearty. He loves to go drink beer, smoke and ride snowmobiles with Michigan, go to political rallies with Illinois and then go to Indiana's house for Christmas. He calls all of his brothers Flatlanders--which Michigan contested greatly to--and he truly does have some spectacular scenery--of which he is very, very proud of.

Now, the last brother and the one who fits in the least is actually Illinois. Even more high-strung than Indiana, he is obsessed with the political. And he is obsessed with his single major draw.

Chicago.

Illinois' one city that brings him national fame. He drinks in it. Indiana, Michigan, Wisconsin and Ohio (when he feels like coming) hate it when Illinois shows up in a Mood to a family function. And he never brings beer. He always brings spritsy little wines and celery sticks with Organic Vegetarian Dip and then he bitches when no one eats any of it because they're too busy with Wisconsin's cheese and beer, Michigan's roasted meats, Indiana's breads and pies and Ohio's buckeyes (it nearly prompts a fight when Wisconsin starts calling it Commie Candy).

His brothers love him, certainly (hopefully) but he aggravates the rest of them. Mellow, medicated Indiana calls his drivers FIPs (Fucking Illinois People), which Michigan bellowed with laughter over, clapped Indiana on the back and called Wisconsin to tell him, who promptly changed it to FIBs (Fucking Illinois Bastards).

Illinois once through a monstrous scene in a grocery store in rural northern Wisconsin because the store did not carry the Chicago Tribune and he proceeded to lecture the rest of them (in an inevitably snotty tone) how his city (being Chicago) defined the rest of them, they ought to be grateful because his city (Chicago again, he reminded them) put them all on the map.

Indiana fiddled with his coat sleeve and then just tuned him out to stare out the window. He had a few cliffs...he wasn't entirely flat....but his were down south near the Kentucky line...

Michigan and Wisconsin, however, instantly riled up to argue.

Ohio could go either way; that time, he chose to watch, enjoying it immensely.

So they were all alike in ways--but different. America loves all of them. They all love each other. Or something.


Notes:

1. FIP, the Urban Dictionary pretty much summed it up. Sorry Illinois people and don't get too offended. I have lots of friends from college from Illinois.